I can say that this is a very interesting project. There were many instances where my experience wasn't the best, mainly because of technical errors, so ignoring all the times that MC or other characters were misigendered, or my choices were changed like Mc's height or even my choice on the hair size, in the end I saw that you have never made a game like this before, and as someone who actually tried it and was overwhelmed by the complexity of making an IF I can say that despite everything I finished it all because your idea for this story still shines throught and I hope you go along with it despite my critics below.
Spoilers
Now about the story itself, I will be considering this one as more like a first draft than anything else, and as any first drafts it's rought around the edges as it should be, after all this is, as you said, your first experience, so i hope this helps you to polish this gewel that this IF is shaping up to be.
ok, character by character then:
Rheling was the first character that irked me, and not in the way you may have wished for it to, he didn't irk me because he's a slime antagonist, but more like how his relationship with Mc was so dawn inconstant. I wanted to hate him for the childmurderer he is, but look there, Mc is having a peaceful lunch with him not a sign of tension to be seen in this beautiful afternoon. I wanted to hate him even if he had more depht than what is shown because Mc should hate him at first, but look there Mc isn't even scared of him and not in the this-is-hopeless way but more in the knowing-that-there-would-be-no-repercussion way, even thought there should be and they should be harrowing.
I get Mc trowing a fit of rage, breaking down, or being cold to hide how wounded or scared they are but there was so much inconstancy in how Mc acted in relation to him that what shoud be a fiery reunion gave me embers instead, I felt nothing for him and can't help but think that he left me the impression of an annoying strangled uncle much more than the true tirant High Emperor he should be, his relationship with Mc is an umpleasant mix of hot and cold, where I could enjoy neither.
Now Mc, Mc has no logic behind their actions or thoughts.
Mc, a prisoner that does not know why they're still alive just that it isn't good not for themselves or for what's left of the people still loyal to them. Never even think of running away even tho that's all they where good for before getting caught and hasn't even lost half a second to think of how to use their own situation to their advantage either, Mc a person that as a child had to run away because Rheling hunted and killed their own family trusts the genocidal's capitan and a mercenary, two of the worst people to risk putting their or anyone else's safety in, even though for years Mc seemingly trusted no one and was found alone, but suddently now they trusted those two enought to talk to a lost friend and possibly last loyal person left in front of them and put him at risk for a chance of this not being used against them later.
"Vaenath hums lightly. "You know, for being the murderer of your family, I thought you'd call him, like, stupid fat troll or something. Not his name. And not so casually.""
Mc a person that has uncontrolable magic showed a sliver of their power against Rheling, a man that, for all we know killed the imperial family because of this very magic, Mc threatened him in his own home, surronded by enemies but was taken to the doctor to be treated for their trouble instead of facing the real danger of showing their fangs at the wrong moment, revealing the only card they had against the High Emperor that thought they were powerless in the meantime, those and so much more makes me think that Mc is getting princess treatment more than anything.
(All of this just makes me hope that the High Emperor may one day finally show some balls before he is overthrow by his own people that just might think he's not worth the power his name was supposed to have, as that's a completly reasonable conclusion to reach after seeing the way he lets Mc get away with shit.
And I have hope for Mc to finally act less like a kicked puppy that once angry at it's owner decides to pee on their carpet as revenge, because that's all they can do abt it, Mc isn't powerless their just plain stupid and Rheling acts as if there aren't ears all around him now that there may be a competitor to his throne which is very much not the truth.)
Vaenath is a cliche, the selfcalled charming playfull dude that just might have layers to them but again why is he here thought? And how did he found out who Mc was? I mean I know Mc might've sliped up, that's what they're here for, but for Vaenath to play misterious about it to make it seem as if he knew it all along sounds more contrived and poor planed instead of misterious and intriguin . And it's okay, Mc is blind as a bat, and as naive as a toddler, Vaenath may be acting like a bumbling fool to hide what he's actualy planing but what made me dobt it is:
The fight scene. How they acted in the middle of a fight, for a mercenary I just might mistake them as a childish manboy instead.
""Where is this coolness coming from?" Vaenath asks, sounding hurt. "Back in the day you were just some loser.""
Did he realy had to chose now to be buthurt about being left behind? I liked him more when he was at best an ornament instead of just getting in the way in the middle of what I thought was a dangerous situation. Just to be clear, it's ok to have a character be this way, but for an adult men, a mercenary called personaly by the High Emperor to act like this just sound boyish and petty, and if that's not how you want him to come across them maybe give some more thought on how to make this character make sense within this world, in the setting that he's in, in the type situation he finds himself and how the path he came from made him who he is now.
for example, just his work should change so much abt a character, like
Vaenath is a merc good enought to be called by the High Emperor himself, it means that he has worked as that for some time now, enought to get a good rep for it wich must have caught Rheling's attention, and I don't think a good guy Robin Hood autruistic type of person would've caught Rheling's attention, what speaks at leight about the type of things Vaenath must've done to get on his good graces, and as any good hired gun he works for money and other types of profit rather than for political interests, wich means he's not thrustworth for neither the capitain nor mc, he's an unpredictable variable just for that, his friendship with Ysmri might tilt the balance a little more to one side but does not assure loyalty, if it did he wouldn't even be a merc at all, instead he'd be a soldier for the emperor and now he has full access to Mc the chosen one and access to important information from the emperors side too, I'd say he might as well play both sides untill one of them come on top because he'd get a win-win either way, so why would the emperor put him in such powerful position? And why would Ysmri trust this dude? If this were game of thrones he'd be the most powerfull person in the game just from how far his influence would reach, and by that I mean all over the board and in all its pieces.
Making Vaenath a merc should completly shape the things he notice (like the blood on Ysmri's clothing would give him right away for a merc that would not live long if a detail like this passed right throught his notice) how he acts (in the fight, as a merc, facing danger would be second nature to him, he wouldn't wait to be ordered before doing something) ...
I think Vaenath needs a little foreshadowing, Mc might be clueless but little hints of Vaenath depth and hidden knoledge, like a knowing look when seeing Ysmri going back to deal with the bloody mess he must've left behind, a slight smirk when catching Mc lying, a cold analising look when meeting mc even if just for a second... Would make it much more convincing of that depth before it's suddently revealed, instead of sounding contrived and out of the blue.
Those are things that i think all characters might need a look into.
And finally there's the only character I liked, Ysmri, I like how he's the only person who has a lick of sense, but this is a critic and lest just say the way he acts so clueless is less than ideal.
How does it makes any sense that the High Emperor's captain knows nothing of his plans of who he's dealing with of the story of their own emperor? every word Mc says about their past confuses him, or how he treats Mc with a cold shoulder until out of nowhere he begins to warm up to them, was it this easy to melt Rheling's most trusted Capitan? A few hints of a troubled past? And if he's as emphatetic as he shows himself to be why even be the capitan of such a tyrant? never mind serving under Rheling, why would someone like him even get to be a capitan when they could do somenthing less violent? Then suddently he's killing what he considers bad people with no remorse as if acting in a very skewed sense of justice and I caught myself thinking why would Rheling trusts punisher Ysmri protector of innocents at all over here? Much less get him to babysit Mc, who might just colour his empathetic little heart against him? That's car crash waiting to happen wich just made me think Rheling is just as incompetent as his first impression showed him to be.
I tried to make this long rant half asleep so a portion of it might not make sense, yet I hope this helps the author and anyone who need's some tips. And again please don't be scared of making mistakes, because mistakes are a sign that you're trying, a mistake is to give up somenthing you love.
The story is really amazing! Definitely caught my interest! Excited to see where it goes, the genders of everyone do seem to jump around a lot though which can get confusing sometimes.
there is something wrong with the customization because when I picked my characters height to 'tall' it automatically switches to 'short' and when I tried choosing again and clicking average height it does the same and switches back to short.
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Not only did the height change it defaults to female gender when the captain provides cloths
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I can say that this is a very interesting project. There were many instances where my experience wasn't the best, mainly because of technical errors, so ignoring all the times that MC or other characters were misigendered, or my choices were changed like Mc's height or even my choice on the hair size, in the end I saw that you have never made a game like this before, and as someone who actually tried it and was overwhelmed by the complexity of making an IF I can say that despite everything I finished it all because your idea for this story still shines throught and I hope you go along with it despite my critics below.
Spoilers
Now about the story itself, I will be considering this one as more like a first draft than anything else, and as any first drafts it's rought around the edges as it should be, after all this is, as you said, your first experience, so i hope this helps you to polish this gewel that this IF is shaping up to be.
ok, character by character then:
Rheling was the first character that irked me, and not in the way you may have wished for it to, he didn't irk me because he's a slime antagonist, but more like how his relationship with Mc was so dawn inconstant. I wanted to hate him for the childmurderer he is, but look there, Mc is having a peaceful lunch with him not a sign of tension to be seen in this beautiful afternoon. I wanted to hate him even if he had more depht than what is shown because Mc should hate him at first, but look there Mc isn't even scared of him and not in the this-is-hopeless way but more in the knowing-that-there-would-be-no-repercussion way, even thought there should be and they should be harrowing.
I get Mc trowing a fit of rage, breaking down, or being cold to hide how wounded or scared they are but there was so much inconstancy in how Mc acted in relation to him that what shoud be a fiery reunion gave me embers instead, I felt nothing for him and can't help but think that he left me the impression of an annoying strangled uncle much more than the true tirant High Emperor he should be, his relationship with Mc is an umpleasant mix of hot and cold, where I could enjoy neither.
Now Mc, Mc has no logic behind their actions or thoughts.
Mc, a prisoner that does not know why they're still alive just that it isn't good not for themselves or for what's left of the people still loyal to them. Never even think of running away even tho that's all they where good for before getting caught and hasn't even lost half a second to think of how to use their own situation to their advantage either, Mc a person that as a child had to run away because Rheling hunted and killed their own family trusts the genocidal's capitan and a mercenary, two of the worst people to risk putting their or anyone else's safety in, even though for years Mc seemingly trusted no one and was found alone, but suddently now they trusted those two enought to talk to a lost friend and possibly last loyal person left in front of them and put him at risk for a chance of this not being used against them later.
"Vaenath hums lightly. "You know, for being the murderer of your family, I thought you'd call him, like, stupid fat troll or something. Not his name. And not so casually.""
Mc a person that has uncontrolable magic showed a sliver of their power against Rheling, a man that, for all we know killed the imperial family because of this very magic, Mc threatened him in his own home, surronded by enemies but was taken to the doctor to be treated for their trouble instead of facing the real danger of showing their fangs at the wrong moment, revealing the only card they had against the High Emperor that thought they were powerless in the meantime, those and so much more makes me think that Mc is getting princess treatment more than anything.
(All of this just makes me hope that the High Emperor may one day finally show some balls before he is overthrow by his own people that just might think he's not worth the power his name was supposed to have, as that's a completly reasonable conclusion to reach after seeing the way he lets Mc get away with shit.
And I have hope for Mc to finally act less like a kicked puppy that once angry at it's owner decides to pee on their carpet as revenge, because that's all they can do abt it, Mc isn't powerless their just plain stupid and Rheling acts as if there aren't ears all around him now that there may be a competitor to his throne which is very much not the truth.)
Vaenath is a cliche, the selfcalled charming playfull dude that just might have layers to them but again why is he here thought? And how did he found out who Mc was? I mean I know Mc might've sliped up, that's what they're here for, but for Vaenath to play misterious about it to make it seem as if he knew it all along sounds more contrived and poor planed instead of misterious and intriguin . And it's okay, Mc is blind as a bat, and as naive as a toddler, Vaenath may be acting like a bumbling fool to hide what he's actualy planing but what made me dobt it is:
The fight scene. How they acted in the middle of a fight, for a mercenary I just might mistake them as a childish manboy instead.
""Where is this coolness coming from?" Vaenath asks, sounding hurt. "Back in the day you were just some loser.""
Did he realy had to chose now to be buthurt about being left behind? I liked him more when he was at best an ornament instead of just getting in the way in the middle of what I thought was a dangerous situation. Just to be clear, it's ok to have a character be this way, but for an adult men, a mercenary called personaly by the High Emperor to act like this just sound boyish and petty, and if that's not how you want him to come across them maybe give some more thought on how to make this character make sense within this world, in the setting that he's in, in the type situation he finds himself and how the path he came from made him who he is now.
for example, just his work should change so much abt a character, like
Vaenath is a merc good enought to be called by the High Emperor himself, it means that he has worked as that for some time now, enought to get a good rep for it wich must have caught Rheling's attention, and I don't think a good guy Robin Hood autruistic type of person would've caught Rheling's attention, what speaks at leight about the type of things Vaenath must've done to get on his good graces, and as any good hired gun he works for money and other types of profit rather than for political interests, wich means he's not thrustworth for neither the capitain nor mc, he's an unpredictable variable just for that, his friendship with Ysmri might tilt the balance a little more to one side but does not assure loyalty, if it did he wouldn't even be a merc at all, instead he'd be a soldier for the emperor and now he has full access to Mc the chosen one and access to important information from the emperors side too, I'd say he might as well play both sides untill one of them come on top because he'd get a win-win either way, so why would the emperor put him in such powerful position? And why would Ysmri trust this dude? If this were game of thrones he'd be the most powerfull person in the game just from how far his influence would reach, and by that I mean all over the board and in all its pieces.
Making Vaenath a merc should completly shape the things he notice (like the blood on Ysmri's clothing would give him right away for a merc that would not live long if a detail like this passed right throught his notice) how he acts (in the fight, as a merc, facing danger would be second nature to him, he wouldn't wait to be ordered before doing something) ...
I think Vaenath needs a little foreshadowing, Mc might be clueless but little hints of Vaenath depth and hidden knoledge, like a knowing look when seeing Ysmri going back to deal with the bloody mess he must've left behind, a slight smirk when catching Mc lying, a cold analising look when meeting mc even if just for a second... Would make it much more convincing of that depth before it's suddently revealed, instead of sounding contrived and out of the blue.
Those are things that i think all characters might need a look into.
And finally there's the only character I liked, Ysmri, I like how he's the only person who has a lick of sense, but this is a critic and lest just say the way he acts so clueless is less than ideal.
How does it makes any sense that the High Emperor's captain knows nothing of his plans of who he's dealing with of the story of their own emperor? every word Mc says about their past confuses him, or how he treats Mc with a cold shoulder until out of nowhere he begins to warm up to them, was it this easy to melt Rheling's most trusted Capitan? A few hints of a troubled past? And if he's as emphatetic as he shows himself to be why even be the capitan of such a tyrant? never mind serving under Rheling, why would someone like him even get to be a capitan when they could do somenthing less violent? Then suddently he's killing what he considers bad people with no remorse as if acting in a very skewed sense of justice and I caught myself thinking why would Rheling trusts punisher Ysmri protector of innocents at all over here? Much less get him to babysit Mc, who might just colour his empathetic little heart against him? That's car crash waiting to happen wich just made me think Rheling is just as incompetent as his first impression showed him to be.
I tried to make this long rant half asleep so a portion of it might not make sense, yet I hope this helps the author and anyone who need's some tips. And again please don't be scared of making mistakes, because mistakes are a sign that you're trying, a mistake is to give up somenthing you love.
The story is really amazing! Definitely caught my interest! Excited to see where it goes, the genders of everyone do seem to jump around a lot though which can get confusing sometimes.
there is something wrong with the customization because when I picked my characters height to 'tall' it automatically switches to 'short' and when I tried choosing again and clicking average height it does the same and switches back to short.
Very interesting ๐ฅฐ
I love this, well written with an interesting world, I cannot wait for future updates!
Oof damn poor MC. I loved this start. โฅ๏ธ
Can't wait for more
Oh, I love it, it's so good ๐๐๐
i really like it so far